How to win at life

1. Gather the following materials: two slices of bread, peanut butter in a jar, jelly in a jar, two butter knives.

2. Lay the two slices of bread beside one another in front of you. This procedure is accomplished by removing any two bread slices from the container in which they were previously held. Hold one slice in your left hand, one in your right hand. Lay the slices of bread side-by-side on a table or other flat surface.

3. Remove the lid from the peanut butter jar. This prodedure is accomplished by placing the fingers about the lid at equal spaces around the lid. Turn the lid while applying inward pressure with the fingers in a direction counter-clockwise until the jar lid is loosened to its maximum potential. Remove the lid at this juncture by lifting upward. Place the lid in a place convenient to its retrieval.

4. Withdraw some peanut butter from its jar. This procedure is accomplished by holding either butter knife in the hand such that the blade, or flat end, is exposed. Place the exposed (flat) end into the open end of the jar, and with a slow horizontal movement, gather a desirable amount of peanut butter on the knife's flat surface. Remove knife from jar near the center of the circle created by the open area such that no peanut butter is lost.

5. Using the knife, apply the peanut butter to either slice of bread by placing the surface with which the peanut butter was withdrawn to the exposed surface of the bread slice. Do not permit the peanut butter to touch the "crust," as this will make the sandwich more difficult to handle at a later time.

6. Spread the peanut butter along the exposed bread surface upon which it was previously applied, carefully noting the previous warning about not permitting the peanut butter to touch the "crust."

7. Place the previously used knife aside such that it can be washed at a later time.

8. Open the jelly jar using a procedure similar to the one for the peanut butter. More force may be required to open the jelly jar, though.

9. Retrieve the other knife for use in the jelly.

10. Use the new butter knife to gather jelly from the jar, using a procedure similar to the one described in Step 4.

11. Place the jelly on the slice of bread not previously used, again being careful to avoid the "crust" area to maintain clean fingers, if possible.

12. Spread the jelly on the second slice on the exposed bread surface of the second slice, again being careful to avoid the "crust" area.

13. Set the knife used for the jelly aside so that it may be retrieved at a later time.

14. Pick up the slice of bread on which the peanut butter has been spread. This is done by picking the bread up in a manner keeping the peanut-butter surface away from your skin at all times.

15. Being sure that the peanut butter surface on the held slice faces only the jelly surface on the stationary slice, place the peanut butter surface on the held slice against the jelly surface on the stationary slice and release.

16. Line up the corners of each slice of bread such that they are flush with one another.

17. Eat as desired.

 

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