AMA This has been long overdue and you all deserve an explanation

Hey everyone. I'd like to begin by saying, I'm really sorry for the people I've hurt. I left without an explanation and I didn't communicate my wishes beforehand. I dragged a lot of people down with me and I left a lot of people left out of the loop, so I can only hope that you all forgive me for that.

This thread's purpose is to give everyone a chance to ask anything they've ever wondered about me, but the main point is to give everyone that moment to ask the big questions like, "what happened?" "Why are you banned on everything?" "wtf is wrong with you?" xD things like that. I've been around the staff team, so if you think you can't ask a question because it's too personal or cringy or insulting, I've been doxed twice on here, been called some pretty vulgar terms (cringe coming back. oh god lol), and nothing anyone deems insulting on here can be compared to what I've dealt with irl, so don't worry.

Once again, I'm sorry about everything. I'll answer any questions. Any at all (I promise). I'm feeling much better and I've had the most wonderful people supporting me through this, so I believe I'm slowly becoming more grounded. Thank you for reading. You don't have to ask anything, but this will be here just in case anyone needs some closure. You can also pm me and I'll answer. Bai guys.

 

I believe they already are, but I disagree with some of the ways the inner working of the staff team are decided. Ultimately, a strong community needs a strong inside (in this case, the staff) in order to support the weight of the server as it grows.

 

nope. but I have a moment in high school when I thought I was. xD

 

lol there isn't much to the story. I got into a lot of anime and I was pretty innocent around that time, so I didn't know anything about relationships and whatnot. I saw this girl in my class who was really really cute and that got me thinking. "hmmm... I've always been a tomboy, I'm afraid of guys, and she's bi." Never really tested that theory out because I found a boyfriend shortly after. Haven't really had that thought since.

 

Thanks Munson. I know you hate that name, so sorry for always calling you that.

So basically, without going into too many details, I really loved brawl. I wanted the best for it and I worked pretty hard for it. I poured countless hours and day into working on things for party and trying to bring the community and staff closer together, but (and I didn't realize this until recently, like yesterday) I had another reason for working so hard. I'd prefer not to go into personal family issues, but I did say anything goes so if you wanna still ask, go right ahead. However, I can say that I haven't been the most self confident person. In fact, I'm afraid of confrontation and I believe that my self image is the most broken thing in my life right now. So now I had two opposites conflicting. I needed that support and that confidence to talk to people and communicate about what was bothering me, but I couldn't do that. I don't know why I couldn't, but that's a psychological thing and it caused me a lot of problems. I didn't even admit to myself that I was lacking self confidence and that there was a bigger problem below the surface: I was addicted to Brawl.

It didn't start out like that. I remember seeing Compositions answering my reports and me thinking, "I wanna be just like that. That looks so cool!" And we've all felt that frustration at hackers. This really started to become a problem about 5 months into becoming staff, when it had already been 4 months without me earning the mod rank. It didn't bother me that much at first (I had to admit I was terrible at spotting hacks and I wasn't always the most mature in staff slack), but something started to settle in me. I truly started to believe that I just wasn't good enough for mod. I felt like there was something I was doing to make the higher staff members (who decided who should be promoted and who shouldn't be) not trust me with the rank and then it all hit me like a brick wall. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be trusted and I thought that if I just worked that much harder, I could achieve that goal. I thought that if I had a lot of friends and a lot of people who thought I was doing a good job, it would show that I was capable of handling the mod rank and would make me happier.

But the rank didn't come for another 2 months. Slowly Brawl started to become the most important thing in my world. I want to say (without exaggerating) that I spent about 20 hours a day on brawl. Whether that was forums, ingame, ts, slack, or all combined. I wrote stories on the forums, I organized the trello (the site we use to cache all the bugs and issues with a server) multiple times a week, I made maps and tried to join reports as fast as I could. I became mod 7 months after being accepted and that moment, to me, seemed like confirmation that what I was doing was right and this was the result. I kept working harder and harder and harder. Being a staff member no longer became fun for me in the sense that most think of. To me, it became my way of clinging to that support I wanted; that support I basically needed. I was addicted to my work (a workaholic, if you will).

Eventually smods for servers were added and I was the only mod for party. I had just received mod so I didn't expect to get it and wasn't surprised when I wasn't given it. However, as the months went by, I started to wonder why I hadn't gotten it yet. Those doubts set in again and I started to ask myself what I was doing wrong. Was I working hard enough? Did I not act the right way? Of course, I couldn't just go and ask why I hadn't gotten smod because I was afraid of confrontation and to be honest, it would've looked like I was only staff for the ranks involved and that wasn't it. Not at all. So I kept quiet and tried to work harder to prove I was able to handle it.

Don't get me wrong. I still love party and I think it's our best server. That love drove me to work so hard, but it wasn't the main influence anymore. It was around this time that Yin started to notice something was wrong. This was mostly due to the fact that I became secluded and rarely left my room (and whenever I did I had my phone with me so I could check forums and slack). I stayed home from vacations, turned down meetings with the few irl friends I had, and stopped sleeping. It was around this time, about a month ago, that everything collapsed, including me. I went into severe depression and had every intention of resigning and killing myself. Cuddled, Yin, Ryan, and Snax were the major contributors to why I'm still here. They stayed with me until I got back on my feet and for a while things went back to normal, although I was a little more inactive than I had originally been. Then my guinea pig died, I got very very sick, and it all happened again.

The problem was that I was missing that key component that would've stopped all this from happening. If I had been brave enough to stand up and speak to someone about what was upsetting me, or if I had been more confident in myself that could've supported me instead of having to cling onto Brawl and praises. Because as soon as those were gone, my world feel out from around me. Thankfully, being bedridden while I was sick allowed me to calm down and get better again, and this was when Greenpeas joined the staff team.

I had heard a lot about him and I couldn't believe he was finally making a return. I had wanted to meet him for a very long time and he was practically my idol. He helped me with party and I was a little hesitant to let him at first. It seemed as though he was trying too hard to force himself into the server Ryan and I had made for ourselves. I remember voicing my concerns to my boyfriend at the time. I had said, "I'm afraid peas will get smod for party instead of me." That was my worst fear, but I didn't tell anyone else. Instead, I tried to work harder. It became this one sided competition between him and I and I'm sorry for that @GreenPeas. I didn't tell you any of this. I didn't tell anyone, not even Yin. When I saw in announcement chat that you had gotten party smod, everything that was supporting me dissipated. I fell.

By this point I truly felt like there was nothing left for me in the world. I'm ashamed to say I couldn't handle the emotions I was feeling and I jumped ship. I didn't understand why you and not me. I beat myself up so much over what made you more capable than someone who worked as hard as I did. Of course I regretted my decision immediately, but I was still emotional and I was hurt. The amount of staff members there for me during this time..... I cried for 5 hours straight, not stopping. I can't repay all of you for how much you all did for me. I really can't.

I tried to avoid my feelings. I tried to go back to as much normality as possible, but I couldn't go ingame without trying to /ban a hacker, /mute a flamer, /sc the other staff members about something funny that had happened the other night, and a number of other things. The part that caused me to request bans on everything (yes, I requested all my bans. I actually bullied some staff members into banning me under threat of breaking the rules to get it done if they didn't) came when I joined a party game and there was a no knockback hacker. A mod joined and said they were watching it, but the minigame had ended. I asked them to trust me and they said they weren't allowed to.

That defining moment shook me to the core and caused one of the darkest moments of my entire life. I was the worst person I had ever been before to the people I cared about more than anything and I'm so sorry about that. Specifically you @yinscape. God I gave you the worst sh** out of anyone and I know you said you weren't mad anymore, but that will haunt me for a long time from now. I was banned on everything to do with brawl and I left brawl's discord. This was by choice. Then I sat down and truly listened to Yin. He suggested I was addicted to Brawl and that being resigned was causing withdrawal symptoms. I did some more research and he was absolutely right.

1. Do I work long hours because I’m afraid that if I don’t, I won’t achieve my goals—and then people will think I’m a failure?
2. Do I feel anxious or uneasy when I’m not working?
3. Do I take work with me on vacation? Am I always checking in because I’m scared I’ll miss something important?
4. Do I think about work even when I’m not working—because I’m afraid that if I don’t, then things won’t get handled properly and everything will fall apart?
5. Do I work even when I’m sick? Am I terrified to take time off because I’ll get so behind—or because people will think I’m slacking off?
6. Do I make myself available to colleagues during non-work hours, all the time? Do I keep my phone and other gadgets with me around the clock?
7. Do I have trouble delegating because I’m afraid that no one can meet my standards—so I always end up doing more than my share of the work?

These are 7 symptoms of being a workaholic. I fit into all of them... Banning myself was the best thing for me and I know I caused a lot of alarm amongst my friends. I'm sorry. I can't say that enough. Since this revelation, I've worked on centering myself and figuring out exactly why this happened. I'm not leaving brawl and have every intention of reapplying for party to help it, but I'm not going anywhere near the application section until I've conquered this stupid addiction and until I've gone back to the way I was before all of this. I just want to enjoy Brawl without needing Brawl. Another amazing quote by @randomcitizen1 (who, by the way, has helped me just as much as the others, and who I couldn't be more thankful for), "Brawl does not define who you are." Eventually I'll believe that, and that's when I know I'll be ready to support myself.

I was for the last couple of days. I think I've slept 6 hours withing the last 3 days, but I'm working on sleeping more often. I know it's not healthy. Sorry.

I don't think I've ever banned youarebestbae. In fact, I think we were teammates. I don't recognize Cringings's username. Staff members can actually go through and ban around 40 to 50 people a day, so names get lost a lot. We try to work to the best of our abilities and occasionally we make mistakes, so sorry if someone banned either one when they weren't hacking.

 

Oh hey James. Yep. I remember you. Sorry, but I didn't know you and to be fair, you were getting some pretty fishy shots in. If it makes you feel any better, the second I banned you it was like jumping into a lion's den. xD

 

thank you.

I think just overall communication needs to be more open. A lot of the drama that happens in staff slack (not just talking about recently either) was caused by either someone mishearing something, someone not understanding the exact meaning of something, conversations regarding public opinions not being completely public, or just lack of communication in and of itself. I can't push for transparency enough.

 

Honestly, spend the extra time with Yin. xD It's ok. He doesn't read these so I'm safe here. Him and Random are helping me find myself right now, because I don't know the first thing about being confident. That's going to take a while. I'll work on html and bash as well. And I'll be able to enjoy march without constantly worrying about Party. Ryan and Greenpeas got me covered there.