The All New, Burger Paper! - The ToiletPaper of the future

The all new, Burger Paper! - A new way to experience your natural bodily functions​

Are you tired of toilet paper, which is either too hard or too soft? Toilet paper which requires you to take at least 10 strips each time?
Well then, look no further! The Burger Paper is here for you!

Burger Paper is a specially designed piece of paper, which takes the softness of an almost raw Burger and the toughness of paper, to make a blend which is just right for you! This beautiful strip of meat is freshly farmed, from some of England's most beautiful Battery-Farm slaughter houses.
But do you want to know what sets this burger apart from others? It's made from mocking jays. This beautiful bird not only makes soft burgers, but also tastes great! So if you ever get hungry sitting on the loo waiting for another to drop, you can always take a bite of the toilet paper.

Did I mention that this Slaughter house is not only in England, but also situated right next to a Nuclear power plant. I would like to say right now, that this company is not responsible for any difficulties when going to the toilet. Especially if it's to do with another foot growing out your butt.

I know what you're thinking now... "Oh! Well, if I'm going to have a nose on my bum after using this product, then why would I buy it?" Well, there's a very simple answer. You have to buy it. Truth is, we hacked into Bill Gate's bank account and stole Billions upon Billions of Dollars. (#GiveMeMoreMoney is a really bad password, Bill) What did we do with this money? We used it to buy all the toilet paper manufacturing companies in the world. So no worries there then.

By this point, I am guessing you want to know what the paper is made from. Well my friends, the legendary paper which make our BurgerPaper so sensual to use, is made from the most beautiful Mahogany. Harvested right next to a sewage dump. So, not only are you wiping your butt with radioactive particles, but you're also giving lots of little parasites a little home. This way, you can be doing your thing to help the environment even while sitting on the John. This paper is 100% recyclable, so when you're done, don't just chuck it down the toilet. Instead, put it in your local recycle bin. The paper is shipped off around the world, and is used to make woodworking tools. So, you're even having a positive impact half way round the globe! How about that, folks?

And now for a few words from our satisfied customers:

As you can see, our new product is highly popular! So, what are you waiting for? Head to your local Corner shop and pick up a roll today! And if you don't, we'll find a way to make you. Because we don't want you to be missing out on its amazing features.

MockingJay Burger Paper ~ The most sensual way, to rub your butt.

 

Excellent! Can you possibly say a few words on what you think about this fabulous product, and would you recommend it to others? Thank you.

Because you're having a little bit of.....erm......trouble... <3

 

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You certainly can!