Best jokes.

http://z0r.de/6021

 

Oh boi. Good thing I have reddit.

I recently got promoted at my job as an elevator operator. While it is quite difficult, at times it can be fun. I guess you could say it has its ups and downs.

Ask me if im a tree.
Are you a tree?
No.

I want to start working with horses, It's a stable job.

Being sick for 7 days makes 1 weak

I'll sea what I can think up
I did that on porpoise.

Did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side cut off? He's alright.

 

Have you recently heard about the circus fire?
I heard it was intense.

 

*WARNING* May offend a select group of people. If you have had a family member die as a baby, continue scrolling past this post. However, if you feel you will appreciate these, then I bet you will get a good laugh!

Oh jeez

Why did Sally fall off of the swing?
She had no arms.
Why did the clown fall off of the swing?
Little Susie hit him with the blunt side of an axe.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Not Sally.
What is worse than a dead baby?
Two dead babies.
What's worse than 2?
A pile of dead babies.
What's worse than that?
One alive in the middle, eating its way out.
What's worse than that?
It going back for seconds.
Why did the clown fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the 2nd clown fall out of the tree?
He was tied to the first.
Why did the 3rd clown fall out of the swing?
Peer pressure.
What's bloodier than a baby shot at point blank with a shotgun?
The wall behind it.
How do you get a dead baby out of a blender?
Tortilla Chips.
What did 1 lawyer say to the other lawyer in the bathtub?
We are both lawyers.
What's the difference between a tea bag and the England World Cup team?
The tea bag stays longer in the Cup.

I have more, but I just got back from my trip, and a I stayed up till 1:30 in the morning last night and then woke up at 7. I am running on 5 and a half hours of sleep.

 

Disclaimer: "adult content"
(Long and immature, but funny)

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.
She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."
The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.
"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."
"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.
"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"
"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.
He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.
"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.
"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."
"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"
He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.
"What do you want for some water?"
"You have to have sex with me."
Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.
"Do me here," she told him.
He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.
"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"
The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.
"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."
"Then lay back and close your eyes again."
This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.
"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."
"Eyes closed," he says.
Then he does her with the last piece of corn.
"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says.
So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.
One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just had the best buttered corn!"

 

Lol dat last part XD

 

Funny thing is, my mom literally tried to be funny saying these kinds of jokes. She's said 1 partially funny one out of at least 100 .-.

Here it is:

What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.

 

Knock knock
"Who there?"
And then the door slams open and crushes the man. "The door!"

 

What days are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday because the rest are week days.

When does it rain money?
when there is a change in weather.

What did the penny say to the nickel?
lets get together and make some sense.

I do have many more. I do have some 9/11 jokes but i feel that its a little too soon. ill post them only if people wouldn't get offended by them.

 

OH MAH GAWWWDDDD!!!!!

 

Dude... Thats Form ASDF... Just dont...

 

Raging kid: SUCK MY D**K SKID
You: I'm sorry, I can't suck on something that doesn't exist.

Bully: YOU'RE UGLY!!!!
You: Thanks for the compliment, I was trying to look like you.

 

Yeah that joke.... That joke right there.......The F@#$ The god damn come backs of the people these days jesus fu@#%^&

 

Kid: Eat a bag of dicks!
Someone else: Sorry, but I'm a vagiterian.

I don't remember any others and that one isn't even good

 

That's not the original joke, but a decently weird alternative. The normal ones were just hobos looking for food, And he only did her with the corn once.