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Story Last Day of My Life Pt. 1

Discussion in 'Literature' started by Aboves, Mar 19, 2015.

?

Do you like my story

  1. Yes

    5 vote(s)
    62.5%

  2. No

    1 vote(s)
    12.5%

  3. It's okay/needs improvement (please tell me how I can improve)

    2 vote(s)
    25.0%
Thread Status:
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  1. Aboves

    Aboves meh

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    I awoke to the sound of coughing, and sneezing. Sounds I heard, but could not place, could not locate in the dark room in which I had awoken to. Suddenly, lights flickered on, illuminating cockroaches, spiders, and centipedes. I then took one disgusted look at the wall. Cracked peeling purple paint, holes poked in the wall, holes where I could see the beady red eyes of bugs staring at me menacingly. I was awoken from my trance by the sound of water cascading down the wall. Washing away the bugs. I backed away, stepping slowly and tentatively towards the back wall. I pressed my hand against the cool, smooth glass of the back wall. I stepped back farther until my whole back touched the wall. I hastily recoiled at the feeling of something slimy on my back. I turned around, and saw creatures, creatures not of this world. They had long, black arms that dripped with slime, and two heads that swiveled back and forth menacingly. The three creatures liked their lips, or what I thought were lips, I could not tell as they were just long black flaps of skin. I shrieked so loud I thought I heard the frail thin glass cracking. The glass did break, but not because of me. I quickly turned around, and saw water pouring through the gap, and creatures right behind it. I prayed I would wake up. I closed my eyes, waiting to die to these horrific creatures.

    I woke up and gasped. Breathing quickly and sharply, I lay back in bed. I closed my eyes, and breathed a sigh of relief that it was just a dream. Little did I know that my dream was the truth, just the truth yet to come.
     
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    #1 Aboves, Mar 19, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2015
  2. SABOOO

    SABOOO Active Member

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    9/11 effort
     
    #2 SABOOO, Mar 19, 2015
  3. Aboves

    Aboves meh

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    lel dat rating do
     
    #3 Aboves, Mar 19, 2015
  4. mewsed

    mewsed Active Member

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    Really great! You described the setting in a creative and smooth way. I look forward to part 2!
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    #4 mewsed, Jun 29, 2015
  5. Piky

    Piky Well-Known Member

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    As someone who really appreciates Literature with lots of details that portrays the story so well.
    This, I really like this. :3
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    #5 Piky, Jul 8, 2015
  6. Forester27

    Forester27 Member

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    This is really neat, I love the story so far!

    The only thing I would work on is your sentences, most of them start with the subject ("I" usually), but if you varied the starting a bit (a clause here, prepositional phrase there) it will flow more nicely :smile:

    But other than that it was great!
     
    • Like Like x 1
    #6 Forester27, Jul 8, 2015
  7. Aboves

    Aboves meh

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    Thank you! This was also written a while ago :stuck_out_tongue: sone then I have realized some of these things. Thank you very much!
     
    #7 Aboves, Jul 8, 2015
  8. ZapCrusher

    ZapCrusher Well-Known Member

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    but...
    but.......
    #YOLO
     
    #8 ZapCrusher, Jul 8, 2015
  9. CapzMC

    CapzMC Well-Known Member

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    Grammar error I think.
    Last sentence of your story, you said and twice. and and.
     
    • Informative Informative x 1
    #9 CapzMC, Jul 9, 2015
  10. MR_EVIL_OVERLORD

    MR_EVIL_OVERLORD Elite Legacy Legend | PRO | Genius Super Villain

    Joined:
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    My Evil-Tech health detector was alerting me that one of my favorite Mods @_Cloudy_ was in danger. I calibrated my teleportation device utilizing advanced algorithms and made the "jump". Arriving quickly I did a survey and determined utilizing my technology that there was no immediate danger based on vital signs.

    My teleportation device emits an EMP at the location of my arrival and thus turns off all electrical devices. I mistakenly put my foot through the toilet and thus broke it causing water to cascade everywhere. Seriously this is me having a bad day.

    A creature from the negative zone then moved into a hovering position over Cloudy. They had long, black arms that dripped with slime, and two heads that swiveled back and forth menacingly. The three creatures licked their mandibles. I activated my disintegration pulse rifle and fired. My ammunition calibrated to strike the three targets at once. The creatures were vaporized instantly. I had one of my Evil-tech bots fix the mess and the toilet that I broke.

    The things I do to protect my favorite mods even while they slumber.

    As I returned to my Evil Lair I was alerted that @Lord_Roke was in danger…decisions, decisions, decisions. I turned off that notification and went about my work.
     
    • Like Like x 2
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    #10 MR_EVIL_OVERLORD, Jul 9, 2015
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