Poem Hillareh

So yeah we were doing Creative Writing for English and I decided to do "How Hillary Rigged The Primaries" in the style of Dr. Seuss's "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" because Y'know I was really salty after Arizona, and New York, and California... etc.
It took me about 12 hours total I think. Also I know some of the writing isn't great and the rhymes are iffy at times but there are a few lines I'm really proud of and I encourage you to read the whole thing.

Anyway here goes:

Every ‘Murican in ‘Murica liked fair primaries a lot,
But the Clintons, who lived just east of Brooklyn, DID NOT!
Hillary hated fair primaries, the whole election year.
Please don't ask why, it's never quite been clear.
It could be she wanted to get back at Bill,
Or maybe she just wanted Capitol Hill.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
Was that Secretary of State was a position two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason, her hubby or her greed,
She sat in her cave hating the Democratic creed.
For she knew every voter in Washington State
Didn't think she was all that great

“They're casting their ballots!” she said with a sneer.
“Tomorrow's the primary, it's practically here!”
She raised her finger as if she were quoting,
“I simply must stop the poor plebs from voting!”

The very next day, she knew what may transpire;
A huge delegate deficit she could acquire.
They'd rush to the polls, with smiles on their faces
And before long they'd dismantle her precious air bases.
The primary had to be stopped! She would not permit it!
But perhaps, just perhaps… she could counterfeit it.

Just then, Hillary Rodham had an evil idea.
A villainous, blasphemous, sacrilegious idea.
“I know just what to do!” she cried with glee,
“I'll ring up my friends at the DNC!”
She picked up the phone and called Miss Wasserman-Schultz,
The committee chair, Debbie, who loved to waltz.
She was dancing at the time when the phone rang,
“Yo it's ya girl Hillary” was said with some slang.
She replied with “Hey, Hillary, I am at your service.”
Hillary moaned, “This guy Bernie is making me nervous.”
“Aha!” Debbie said, “Well there’s no need to worry,”
“I'll have the whole primary rigged in a hurry.”

So off went the pair, to twist fair democracy,
Hand in hand, undisputed queens of hypocrisy.
As they flew to Seattle, Hillary did make a claim,
“You know what Debbie, ‘tis a real shame.
“These voters you see, they don't know what they want.
“Instead of me, they vote for this old guy from Vermont.
“They're confused is all, they can't really see
“That what America needs is the power of HRC.”
And to this, Debbie simply said, “I agree.”

At last they arrived at the snow-crested town,
But fixed on Wasserman-Schultz’s face was a frown.
“I don't like this, Mrs. Clinton, I don't like it at all,
“Our chances of rigging here are incredibly small.”
“Why just look at this place, it's much too advanced,
“Their voting machines aren’t broken, they're enhanced!
“If we try corruption here, we’ll just end up in jail,
“Although I know you, Mrs. Clinton, can easily make bail.”

Hillary screamed like a child, “BUT I MUST NOT LOSE!
“I swear, why can't people just agree with my views?”
Debbie sighed, “Calm down Miss, you can still play the scammer,
“In a fairy-tale land I like to call Alabama.”
The two women hopped aboard Hillary’s private jet,
Away from a primary they’d rather forget.
They touched down in Mobile and Deborah did smile,
“Miss Clinton, this state will be easy to beguile.
“The people here hardly care if their vote really counts.
“The word democracy they can barely pronounce.”
Then Hillary did query, “But where do we start?”
Debbie said “Don't worry, I've got corruption down to an art.”
Debbie checked her watch, “Let's see now, it's bang on 2 a.m.
“Roughly 7 hours till that horrid voting mayhem.
“Our first stop are the polling stations, we’ll rig them something great.
Then come tomorrow, I guarantee, your vote count will inflate.”

They taxied to the first station and Hillary pulled out her Twink,
To cover over Bernie’s name and replace with Clinton ink.
But then to their misfortune, something unexpected did occur.
A polling worker walked in, catching Clinton the saboteur.
His mouth hung open, “Jaysus, it's Hillary from the TV!
“And that other Democrat woman!”, he screeched like a banshee.
Something then dawned on him, through the noise that was so raucous,
“Miss Hillary, what is you doing? Are you rigging our fair caucus?”
But Hillary was a born liar, she could do it with plain ease
And the Alabaman’s confused conscience she did appease.
“Not to worry my dear Confederate, there's no need for concern,
“This voting machine is broken; to its factory it must return.”
Frowning, he turned to leave, of certainty bereft
And promptly smacked his head on the doorframe as he left.

Hillary grinned at Debbie and Debbie grinned back.
Debbie whispered “That was close, I'm glad you've got a knack
“For lying and fraud and all kinds of skulduggery.”
“Now, pray, let us finish our political thuggery.”
They finished up at the station, leaving no trace behind
In their effort to make Clinton ruler of mankind.
Throughout the night they travelled, all over the state;
Hillary the captain of the fraudster ship, and Debbie her first mate.

At last the job was finished, every voting booth now biased,
To ensure that Hillary’s vote total would surely be the highest.
The next day as they watched results on their hotel’s huge TV,
Hillary saw something she thought simply could not be.
To her horror, to her shock, to her complete dismay,
Her percentage of votes began to decay.
From 52 to 45 to 36 percent.
The CNN broadcast was for Hillary, a torment.
Neither she nor Debbie could bring themselves to speak,
Until at last Hillary exploded in a fit of pique.
She threw around the furniture, she trashed the whole hotel;
For she knew this defeat was her political death knell.

At last her sorrow consumed her, she opened the window,
Ready to end it all and hit the sweet concrete below.
She vaguely heard Debbie ask as she perched there on the sill,
“Hey Hillary when you’re dead, is it cool if I marry Bill?”
There was a splat, there was a crunch, and then there was just silence.
An unceremonious finish to the Clinton-Schultz alliance.


So now in fair ‘Murica, all the ‘Muricans say,
That the Democratic Party’s soul grew three sizes that day.

@TobyZiegler, @_Featherpaw_