Minecraft 1.9 is the Work of Satan

There are many things in this world that are just absolutely terrible. One of my pet peeves in this area is Jehova's Witnesses mainly because they keep coming over to my house trying to convert me to their religion. However there are other things that are so dark, and so terrible that they can barely be spoken of such as gluten free waffles - which unlike what the label says I can prove that sh*t is definitely NOT meant for human consumption.

Such things are so terrible, so utterly despicable that they could have been created by one deity - Satan. And Minecraft 1.9 is undoubtedly one of those things.

I would like to draw from the immortal words of Jay-Z. I believe he was 'bang on' (pun not intended) when he said "I got 99 problems and 1.9's one of them"

I agree. When I see people talking about how awesome 1.9 is I want to scream "HIPPIES!"

For our story today our special and completely unwitting correspondent @kevshadowslayer reports:

I know some of you might immediately respond by saying that "omigawd 1.9 looks so cool!" Yeah well looks cool doesn't = is cool. An example of this can be found in almost every trailer of nearly every single Adam Sandler movie ever. In the recent movie Pixels, the idea of Donkey Kong destroying the world seemed pretty interesting to a nerdchild like myself but then f*cking Adam Sandler walks in there and by that point its over and the movie gets ratings almost as bad as the memorable Paul Blart Mal Cop 2.

The same thing is the problem with Minecraft 1.9. The fact is, despite its cool looks its actually a devious plot devised between Hypixel and Microsoft CEO Satya (Dickhead) Nadella in order to ruin the glorious server that is Minecraft CTF. Now I know some of you might think that's pretty crazy but no one thought Nadella would fire thousands of Microsoft's most dedicated nerds either. No one thought that Donald Trump would be the GOP Presidential Frontrunner. And certainly, no one thought McPVP was sending robotic hackers onto the server to falsely implicate and ban players before it was revealed by a gentleman named 'pimpmaster69' on planetminecraft.com.

Hypixel has despised competition for ages. They have seen the beauty of CTF brawl and only wish to tear it down with their pagan hands! 1.9 is the way for them to do this because it would make Assassin OP as hell because... hey MICROSOFT WHERE'S THE BLOCKING?! Obviously, Hypixel has corrupted Nadella and the folks at Mojang into taking away sword blocking which as anyone knows is total bullsh*t because its the only other function of a sword aside from poking people really hard in the chest.

But there is another way 1.9 could ruin CTF aside from the lack of blocking: dual wielding.

And I know some people are going to immediately jump my hump on that one but I speak the truth, dual wielding will kill this game - mode if it is implemented. How so? Because it takes away the one thing that makes Minecraft, Minecraft - being able to play as a one armed paraplegic!

I don't know about you but I don't want to have an additional zombie hand like 1.9 proposes.

Minecraft was a cool game to play because it only gave you one hand to work with! It forced you to be resourceful, you have to be pretty damn skilled after all to mine, punch down trees, and build an entire f-cking castle with one hand! I mean, if that doesn't say something about the physical fitness, hell I don't know what does! But the addition of a second hand doesn't encourage such resourcefulness or physical fitness.

Rather, it encourages laziness. 1.9 will turn the entire player base into a bunch of lazy Socialists (Satanists) with the second hand by leveling the playing field by adding another hand so one doesn't have to bear all the responsibility. That is socialism! Some of you might think I'm making an awful fuss about one extra hand but it is only justified.

In Minecraft everyone is right handed, not wrong handed!

How does all this tie into the title? In one final point: 1.9 will bring reality into Minecraft. Yes, that's right, reality, real life, that thing you're on Minecraft or this forum or looking at this very post trying to escape. After all, who in the hell likes reality? If we liked reality we wouldn't be spending 95% of our time glued to our phones!

Reality is my little sister waking me up at 5 in the morning because she wants to know what a tampon is (it was an unpleasant conversation). Reality is school. Reality's the reason why drugs exist! In reality, Satan is everywhere. Reality is embedded in adding the second hand to Minecraft because in real life, nearly everyone has two hands!

How so? Because in reality people have two hands and Minecraft 1.9 is about to bring that into the game. Do you want to start thinking of real life when you log into 1.9 two handed CTF? I don't know about you but that's the last thing I want to think about! I don't want to think about the test I didn't study for, I want to focus on getting revenge on @Risabu for being a dick and ending my only killstreak as Mage!

CTF Brawl should be a place to escape from reality, not to be confronted by two blocky hands on the screen and suddenly start thinking about those chores you 'forgot' to do.

Also, interestingly enough if you add two extra 9's to 1.9 and flip it upside down it spells out '666'. Coincidence? I think not. Satan's work is even embodied in the very numbers of this update!

So should we update to 1.9? Should we accept reality in CTF? Should we support socialism (communism) by adding the second hand of laziness? No I say, no!

Reject this preposterous update and save America. But more importantly,

Save CTF.

Thank you,

-Admiral

@obikenobi21
@Nohox
@Birdgirl
@NomNuggetNom
@Chactation

 

You mean 2016 right? I dun care what anyone says, Trump's comb-over is amazing.

 

Or you know, you could take things a little less seriously and recognize the obvious joke.